As an Asian woman, dating has always been a scary aspect for me; meeting someone you barely know and having to strike up a conversation so you're not sitting awkwardly in a bar or restaurant? It can be daunting for anyone. However, in Asian communities, dating is more unusual than they are in other cultures because of the pride they have in securing marriages with good families, and having children to continue the family legacy. So, when their children start dating, it can be a difficult and emotional process. 21-year-old Nia Parekh, a student from Coventry felt scared when she initially started dating. “I never had a relationship with anyone before in a romantic way, so I had to hide it from my parents initially." This is common within Asian communities because many families want their children to find someone of the same descent. According to OKCupid, in 2009, Asian women rated white men (16%) better than Asian men (10%). In 2014, this changed to 24% for Asian men and 16% for white men but hasn't changed significantly. Now with the pressures of online dating, many people use apps such as Tinder to gain matches. Tinder is an app founded in 2012 which allows users to look at someone’s photo and profile and allows them to swipe left (no) or right (yes) to each person; if the same person likes back, they are matched and can start a conversation. As an app, it allows users to find love quickly and efficiently. According to a 2018 study carried out by Queen Mary's University in London, 27% of 18-24 year olds use Tinder, 13% being male and 10% female. The 18-24 userbase is the single largest age group on Tinder, with 93% of them never being married, according to The Office of National Statistics. Arooj Khadijaa, a recruitment consultant from Birmingham, is often excited to meet new people and go on dates using Tinder. “With my job being so demanding, I have always used dating apps for the convenience.” “I use Tinder the most, since it’s free and simple to use; I met my long-term boyfriend (now ex) of 3 years on there, as well as other people that I’ve dated for a while.” A 2016 study from Queen Mary’s University in London found that men swipe right more often that heterosexual women do, leaving them with a low success rate around 0.6%, whereas women are more selective on who they swipe right on, getting a match rate of 10%. Meeting people online is not uncommon nowadays. According to eHarmony, more than 50% of couples will meet online by 2031. Jasmin Mahmood from Birmingham was worried her ethnicity would impact people’s perceptions of her, but she wanted to get out there and meet new people. “People do have certain perception and expectations of you as an Asian woman, but discussion about their expectations and being honest is the best way to understand them and hopefully educate them too,” Jasmin said. Dating is hard enough, but as a woman of colour, racism can often come into play too. Arooj said she has never had a racist or offensive experience when dating: “I know that as an Asian female, some have certain pre-set expectations about you and how you are as a person.” James Preece, a dating expert who works with singles and companies all over the world, says that dating apps have made it easier to search for someone. “Traditionally, couples met through their own social circle, work or introductions but now things have become harder due to people working longer hours and having fewer close friends,” but “there are now more dedicated apps and events than ever before which allow you to have access to a much better pool of singles.” A quarter of his clients are South Asian, and face different pressures while dating. “For South Asians, the pressure is on to date someone of a similar background which often comes from their parents who want to see them settled down early on in their lives.” “If they were to bring a person home who didn’t fit the requirement, they might be met with resistance,” he adds. Nia has been with her boyfriend Sameer for a year but have known each other for two years. “My boyfriend is South Indian, and my family are from West India, so I haven’t met his family as they live in India but he has met mine and there haven’t been any problems.” Marriage is always a topic that arises within Asian households, with Asian parents usually pressuring their children to marry at a certain age. Jasmin said that she has been under pressure to marry at the age of 22 when her life has barely started. “I think it’s very stereotypical and traditional to get married so young in Asian families and there is pressure when others in the family married young and followed cultural traditions.” In 2018, the BBC hosted The Big British Asian Summer for a month; focusing on British Asian family’s perception on cultural stereotypes and mixed raced relationships. In a ComRes survey for the Asian Network, it suggested that British Asians are more socially conservative than the wider UK population. “It depends on what background you come from, I have come from a liberal family so dating has never been a problem, but people from a conservative background may find it harder to date,” Nia said. “My parents haven’t pressured me but when extended family get involved, they ask a lot when I am going to get married,” she continues. “My family don’t like the idea of dating and relationships and would rather get me married instead,” Jasmin said. Arooj expressed that older generation’s mindsets need to change while James spoke about how bi-racial couples are becoming more common: “South Asians are looking to date people outside their culture as they want more options.”
“Many want more western values and don’t want to date someone from the same background anymore.” Arooj doesn’t see an issue with dating outside of her culture, even though her “family would never accept it.” She doesn’t care though as she’s “been in biracial relationships” her entire life. At Asian family gatherings, I have experienced frustration and awkwardness for myself and other young family members as marriage and love lives always become the two topics that are spoken about; almost like Deja vu each time. “I know things aren’t the same for some of my Asian female friends who are constantly having the marriage talk with parents, if their parents can find someone for them to settle with when they’re the same age as me which I find truly horrifying,” Arooj said. Many young people between 18-24 feel pressured by family, which can result into going against their parents’ wishes. “Some people prefer to be on their own and that’s perfectly okay, but I don’t think parents should have any say in who I want to love; if I’m safe, happy and secure then that’s all that matters,” Jasmin said. “I couldn’t let outdated ideas of dating and marriage ruin my change of finding love or a soulmate; I disagree with most of what conservative Asians believe so I wouldn’t let that lead my life,” Arooj agrees. Dating has become over-saturated for young people due to the pressures on social media, making it harder to find long-term relationships. There needs to be more open discussions about dating in conservative Asian households as not everyone wants to settle down and get married. With many women taking the downfall as opposed to men when dating, society needs to change the perception that it’s not always the women’s fault if they do not find a guy who fits within the family status.
0 Comments
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorPriyanka Patel - Editor for AURA Archives
September 2020
Categories
All
|